


Wonka

by orphan_account



Category: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15641055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: here's a screenplay adaptation i wrote for willy wonka





	Wonka

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry for this

**CHARLIE**

I wanna win the chocolate factory

 

**MRS BUCKET**

Charlie you aren’t gonna win shit just give up stop spending all our money on candy bars

 

**CHARLIE**

Mom why are you like this

 

**MRS BUCKET**

Cheer up charlie

 

**CHARLIE**

Literally fuck off

 

_(CANDY MAN CART)_

 

**CANDY MAN**

Anyone care for a cream pie?

 

_(outside the bucket shack)_

 

**MR BUCKET**

I am sad

 

**CHARLIE**

Why are u sad dad

 

**MR BUCKET**

Your moms been prostituting again. Last night i found her in bed with a drag queen named tequila mockingbird

 

**CHARLIE**

I’m sorry dad

 

**MR BUCKET**

Thanks

 

**CHARLIE**

No im sorry that i dont actually care lol sike

 

**MR BUCKET**

We should’ve aborted you

 

**CHARLIE**

Think positive

 

**MR BUCKET**

Im positive we should’ve aborted you

 

_(BUCKET SHACK)_

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Charlie be a doll and grab mommy another vodkatini

 

**CHARLIE**

Mom why are you like this

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Fuck you charlie

 

**CHARLIE**

I know you want to haha

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

What the actual fuck

 

**CHARLIE**

I just want you to love me

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Honestly charlie i don’t think i could ever love you but right now i could at least tolerate you if you would go and get me another vodka fucking tini

 

**CHARLIE**

Mom

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Charlie

 

**CHARLIE**

Why are you like this

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Ok charlie if i don’t see a vodkatini in my hand in 3 seconds you’re going to the adoption agency

 

**CHARLIE**

Mom how much have you had to drink

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

A lot

 

**CHARLIE**

No mom be specific how much do you have to drink on a regular basis

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Well, not much. I mean, I'll have a glass and a half of wine at lunch. Then, nothing like an ice cold zima when the sun's setting. Zinfandel spritzers while I'm cooking dinner for the family. Red, not white. Several gin and tonics with my evening meal, which take me straight into dessert and some delicious cherry wine. Then I'll curl up with the latest issue of O Magazine and half a bottle of scotch. Then, a quick shot of whiskey before bed so my dreams are peculiar and nice. Come morning, I can hardly get out of bed without a spicy Bloody Mary—Can you blame me, señor, I like the bite, cha cha! Then a couple of wine coolers, two, three, in the mid-morning for energy, zappo! And what do you know we're back at lunch, and it means wine time in my book.

 

**CHARLIE**

Mom you’re literally an alcoholic

 

**MRS. BUCKET**

Charlie i didn’t get this body from drinking water

 

_(WONKA FACTORY)_

 

**WONKA**

I am Willy Wonka _(shows golden ticket)_ welcome to my factory

 

**CHILDREN**

we are here

 

**WONKA**

Welcome small child friends and such

 

**CHILDREN**

tour us please

 

**WONKA**

Ok

 

**AUGUSTUS**

how many rooms

 

**WONKA**

At least 2

 

**AUGUSTUS**

Cool

 

**WONKA**

_(gestures to a door)_

This is my playroom

 

**CHILDREN**

We want to play

 

**WONKA**

Come play with me

 

_(WONKA TOUCHES CHARLIE)_

 

**WONKA**

Charlie have you been a good boy

 

**CHARLIE**

Um mr wonka im not comfortable with this

 

**WONKA**

Have you been a good boy charlie

 

**CHARLIE**

Mr wonka please can we just finish the tour

 

**WONKA**

No charlie you gotta tell me, have you been a good boy

 

**CHARLIE**

Mr wonka please can we just.. Can we just go to the next room or something

 

**WONKA**

Charlie i need you to listen to me this is important

  


**CHARLIE**

okay mr wonka what is it

 

**WONKA**

Have sex with me charlie

 

**CHARLIE**

What no-

 

**WONKA**

Charlie you dont understand we have to

 

**CHARLIE**

Why would i have to have sex with you mr wonka i just wanted to get some chocolate

 

**WONKA**

Charlie you can have the chocolate after we do it right here, right here in the- in the chocolate river

 

**CHARLIE**

Look mr wonka i appreciate the offer and stuff but i dont think i should do this

 

**WONKA**

Charlie people will die

 

**CHARLIE**

What do you mean people will-

 

**WONKA**

People will die charlie doesnt that matter to you? Dont you care charlie? About the people? Who will die? About the children? Who… will also die

 

**CHARLIE**

Grandpa please help

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Charlie just have sex with the man

 

**CHARLIE**

Grandpa why

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

I hear he has a weed room

 

**AUGUSTUS**

Mr wally I’m hungry i want to eat the chocolate

 

**AUGUSTUS’S MOM**

Augustus your fat ass is always hungry eat a fucking carrot

 

**AUGUSTUS**

No mom i want to eat the chocolate

 

**WONKA**

DO NOT EAT WINKO CHOCOLATE

 

**AUGUSTUS**

I ate your chocolate mr. winko

 

**WONKA**

_(shoots him)_ DEATH

 

**CHARLIE**

You just killed a child

 

**WONKA**

Naughty children come to mr wanky for death

 

_(GUM ROOM)_

 

**WONKA**

This is my gum room

 

**VIOLET**

I like guns

 

**WONKA**

What no my gum room

 

**VIOLET**

Oh well that’s not as fun

 

**WONKA**

Do you want the gum or not

  


**VIOLET**

Yeah sure

 

**WONKA**

This is big long gum forever

 

**VIOLET**

Give it to me

 

**WONKA**

_(handing her the gum)_ no

 

**VIOLET**

I love gum

 

**MIKE**

Won’t that gum like make her explode or something

 

**WONKA**

No the exploding gum is over there, this one’s just gum that lasts forever

 

**VIOLET**

Do you have any guns

 

**VERUCA**

If violet doesn’t die then where is the story going

 

**WONKA**

Shit you’re right

 

_(WONKA HOLDS A CHLOROFORM RAG TO VIOLET’S MOUTH)_

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Why are you killing these children wangbis

 

**WONKA**

Because

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**CHARLIE**

Mr grandpa man do you want to steal these drinks with me

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**CHARLIE**

We fly

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**CHARLIE**

We are going to die

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**CHARLIE**

Nothing phases you eh

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Sometimes i have vietnam flashbacks

 

**CHARLIE**

Ok… let’s get back to the group

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

_(SQIRREL ROOM- ROOM FILLED WITH MUTATED SQUIRRELS)_

 

**WONKA**

Where were u

 

**CHARLIE**

Doin stuff

 

**VERUCA**

Are those sqirrels

 

**SQIRREL**

I am a sqirrel

  


**MIKE**

That does not look like a sqirrel

 

**SQIRREL**

Trust me

 

**WONKA**

Trust him

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**VERUCA**

I want sqirrel

 

**WONKA**

Have sex with me

 

**VERUCA**

What

 

**WONKA**

What

 

**VERUCA**

So can i have a sqirrel or not

 

**WONKA**

No

 

**VERUCA**

Well why the fuck not

 

**WONKA**

Because i need them

 

**VERUCA**

Why would you need this many sqirrels

 

**WONKA**

They suit my needs

 

**VERUCA**

What needs

 

**WONKA**

You could suit my needs too

 

**VERUCA**

What

 

**WONKA**

What

 

**VERUCA**

I want a sqirrel now

 

**WONKA**

_(Shooting her multiple times)_ Bad nut

 

**SQIRREL**

Deez nuts

 

**MIKE**

YOU ARE NOT A SQIRREL

 

**SQIRREL**

Trust me

 

**MIKE**

Is that a tv

 

**WONKA**

Ya

 

**MIKE**

Put me in it

 

**WONKA**

_(offscreen)_ Ok

 

**MIKE**

_(in the tv)_ look at me

 

**MIKES MOM**

Mr whiskers u shrunk my son

 

**WONKA**

_(in the middle of chugging vodka)_ STRETCH HIM

 

**MIKE**

_(OFFSCREEN)_ my dick is so small

 

_MR WONKAS OFFICE_

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Is it true you have a weed room

 

**WONKA**

Are you a fed

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

No

 

**WONKA**

Then yes

 

**CHARLIE**

Do i win the tour mr washcloth

 

**WONKA**

No

 

**CHARLIE**

Why

 

**WONKA**

Because

 

_CLOSE UP OF WONKAS FACE_

 

**WONKA**

YOU STOLE FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS

GET OUT OF MY FACTORY

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

Ok

 

**CHARLIE**

Sorry mr walrus

 

_WONKA SHOOTS CHARLIE_

 

**GRANDPA JOE**

So about that weed room

 

_THE WEED ROOM_

 

_(WONKA AND GRANDPA JOE SMOKING IT UP IN THE WEED ROOM WITH SNOOP DOGG- SMOKE WEED EVERY DAY PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND_

  
  
  
  


_The end_

  
  
  



End file.
